Satire: Read What Lord Ram Has To Say About Firecrackers And Diwali

India’s highest court has ruled out that firecrackers be banned in Delhi NCR. And not very surprisingly it has ruffled the feathers of the old Hindutva crown. Some have welcomed it, as always and some have not, again, as always. But twitter has turned into the new battleground. Battles are no more fought in Kurukshetra or Kargil, new age warriors no more wield swords and battle hammers, they use their clickety-clickety keyboards now. But there is one thing that everyone seems to miss in all this hullabaloo. Ramayana. Yes, the old Hindu mythological text that tells the story of Ram, his wife Sita, his brothers, monkey-god Hanuman and other ensembles of the cast.

If you are familiar with Indian Twitter scene, you must already be aware of certain patterns. Like for example, the Hindu right wing, especially certain hardliners, always take back their argument to ancient texts. They talk about how wonderful, scenic and peaceful life was in age-old times. But this time, they are caught in their own game. The recent events and debate around them have left them gasping for air (not sure if they still look out for clean air like rest of us).

As Diwali is fast approaching, Supreme Court has stepped in to ban firecrackers in Delhi NCR.

Delhi after Diwali, from last year. Courtesy:BBC

Firecrackers emit undue smoke which causes air pollution is a well-known fact. But some people just won’t give up and that’s not surprising. We are a nation of crazy people. Remember the protests to resist wearing helmets while riding bikes?

Leaving apart the craziness, there is this thing about culture, customs, practices blah blah. “We have been doing this for ages… Why are you targeting our practices?” Now you wonder, what ages are these dunderheads referring to. You pick up Ramayana (there are 300 versions, pick just one). Go through pages at random, voila! There’s no mention of firecrackers. Diwali was all about lighting lamps. Umm. Ultra-right have been finding it hard to digest this fact.

The one straw they always run-to to defend every social ill is providing no balm this time. And I feel their agony. So to help them, I have come up with a solution.

Let Us Rewrite Ramayana

I’m not joking. Let’s do it. I already mentioned you about 300 different versions of it. Let’s add another to the long list. Wikipedia reads,

Hindus across the world celebrate Diwali in honor of the return of Lord Rama, wife Sita, brother Lakshmana and lord Hanuman to Ayodhya from exile of 14 years after Rama defeated Ravana. To honor and celebrate Lord Rama, Sita, Lakshmana and Hanuman returning from Sri Lanka and to illuminate their path, villagers light Diyas to celebrate the triumph of good over evil.

I suggest we add,

… villagers light Diyas (oil lamps) and burn beautiful-wonderful-peaceful-scenic firecrackers to celebrate… Goddess Sita was so delighted to see the fireworks show that she pleaded lord Ram to continue this every year. Lord Ram remarked, ‘from now till eternity, may my return be celebrated as a festival by lighting lamps (which in future can be replaced with LED lamps) and firecrackers(which would have no replacement). Light diyas or not, make sure you use firecrackers, the splendid rockets, phuljadis(sparklers), etc etc. There would come a time, in long future from now, when few stupids who question everything from my actions to written word in old manuscripts; they will question fireworks. Ignore them. Fight their admonitions. They will talk about bad air, suffering children, breathing problems but hear them not. Don’t buy their arguments. They are but learned fools. You are my children. You are the Raghuvanshis and Suryavanshis. It’s alright if you don’t listen to any of my other teachings and life lessons, but fireworks are must. Light them you must. Let the smoke cover skies, turn cities into gas chambers. What they call smoke is my way of saying thank-you for burning firecrackers, it is but my blessing. Breathe it in, breathe deep. The more you breathe, the sooner you will reach my abode. I’m waiting for your arrival. Breathe in…’

I’m done watching RW peeps desperately looking for straws. I want to help them. So let us do this shit once-and-for-all.